Today my friend Ana shares how she is growing and maturing through raising her son. The struggle is real. It is our desire that her sharing here today will help you in your situation, whatever it may be.
Until next time, God bless,
Michele ºÜº
It’s so wonderful that the lord doesn’t base his love for us on how we act or if we are deserving. He basis his love solely in that we are his children. This week has been, yet another trial in the saga that is raising my son.
Man I’m telling you, I used to be able to go anywhere anytime with my girls and never once fear the behavior of my children. Insert my three year old son that has me terrified to do much of anything. I am afraid to go anywhere, for at any moment he can pick some situation that will be his undoing. It’s awful. And before you think for one second that I haven’t read or sought counsel from everyone I know on how to deal with it . . . well I have. And if I’ve done it once, I’ve done it a million times. I have shed more tears over not knowing what he needs than any other fact of my life.
I spend my days afraid if it will be a good day or a bad day and I’ve allowed it all to hang on the balance of my sons attitude. Today I hit a wall as he began a huge fit at my daughters jujitsu class, for he didn’t want to relinquish the phone I had allowed him to play with. He yelled and kicked and hit me on the way to the car. As I buckled him he yelled at me, “STUPID!” I disciplined him and buckled into the car myself.
I was dumbstruck, hurt, embarrassed, angry, and above all DONE. At that moment my heart refused to acknowledge that I had any love for this child at all. I was so hurt that tears stung my eyes and I just wanted to hide. Instantly I thought, why did we have a third! Why? We were so good with two!! The fourth thought was . . . “wow Ana you are a horrible person!”
I was beyond tired of battling with this tiny being and trying to survive my day and feeling so alone in the battle. Every time I would try to explain to my husband my distress and my frustration, all I saw was the pain in his eyes hearing that I was not enjoying mothering our son.
It is a catalyst loving something that brings you to the edge of insanity and right as you’re about to jump says, “Mommy I love you.” As I drove home sad and eerily quiet, the Holy Spirit spoke to me and said, “Good thing I don’t just love you when you are obedient!”
Ouch.
He loves us despite our failures and our disobedience. That’s his example to me in how to love my son.
Love is patient!!! Man that one is hard. I so badly want to be plucked out of this battle field that I feel like I’m in with my child. I so badly want his stubbornness to subside and his soft and gentle spirit to come forth. I want him to oblige my dreams and behave all the time. But as I made him oatmeal this evening for dinner, yes oatmeal, and he said, “Mommy I love you!” I responded, “Thank you,” still angry and his little face looked up at me and asked, “You love me too right?” I knew immediately that I did. I love him despite this season of training . . . I love his smiles and giggles and strength. I love that he is mighty and a leader . . . and I understood what God was trying to tell me . . . I allowed myself to respond with my flesh to the situation, instead of my spirit man. I replied . . . “Yes buddy, I do, very much!!” I picked him up and held him and cried again at the knowledge that even when I fail as a mom or as a daughter of God, He’s got my back . . . He’s got my heart and he is gently and lovingly still training me.
All for His Glory,
Ana Osborn