Category Archives: Marriage Monday

Because your spouse matters

Don’t Be Easily Offended

Don't Be Offended ~ Lifeofjoy.meI think one of my love languages must be food. I like to cook for those I love. And I love to eat with them too. ;)

There have been a couple occasions of late where Michael has asked me to make him one of the healing shakes for dinner instead of whatever it was that I had made or intended to make. I have to admit that at first I had to fight off being offended. It’s actually quite ridiculous that I could even get offended at the simple request but I’m just being real here.

He had been out in the heat and needed the cool refreshment from a shake but also knew the ingredients would help sooth his stomach issues.  Of course, I made him the shake but in times past, I can see that I might have made some unkind remark about having worked hard on dinner and why he couldn’t just eat that. That would have been sooo childish and immature.

Love is about doing for others and helping them in whatever ways you can. When a reasonable request is made, I’ve learned that it is best to do what I can with a cheerful attitude.

Now I will point out that he is not one to do this kind of thing frequently. If your spouse is one prone to separate himself and want special things all the time, then you need to pray about how to handle your individual situation.

Then I had another situation where I had worked hard on something for him. He is usually a very observant person. He did not notice the thing I’d done. I simply joked with him about his lack of observation, rather than get upset that he didn’t notice.

In the past, I would have been a bit upset that after spending several hours working on the surprise, he didn’t even notice. But instead of getting offended, I just kidded him and his superb observation skills. We all had a good laugh, which is much better than getting emotional about it.

In the end, getting offended does nothing for anyone and only makes you upset. The best thing is to choose to find a way to deal with the situation and broach the subject with your honey when you are not emotional and upset. Getting offended is not helpful to anyone.

Until next time, God bless,

Michele ºÜº

Father’s Day

I am blessed with two wonderful men in my life. First my dad, who worked hard and followed hard after God. He moved halfway across the country following God’s leading in his life and doing all he knew to do to become and do all God has for him to accomplish in this life.

Mother's Day ~ Lifeofjoy.meHe taught me the importance of a relationship with God, putting Him first in my life. He also taught me the value of hard work, that if something is worth doing, it is worth doing right, and to do all you need to do to provide for your family.

Love Dad's Day ~ Lifeofjoy.me

I’m so blessed to have him as my daddy! Thank you for believing in me and do all that was in your power to help me succeed. I love you bunches!


The other man is the love of my life! He picked up the baton from my father and has continually shown me, by his example, to follow him as he follows Christ.

Dad's Day ~ Lifeofjoy.meI love this picture of him with Liam because it is just who he is. He gets down on the floor and plays with him, without any nudging or suggestions from me. We made a decision, early in our marriage, that he would be very present in our children’s lives and would deal with any financial limitations that incurred.

Michael helping with my flowers ~ Lifeofjoy.meI love that he knows how to be silly but isn’t afraid of hard work. This one was taken just before Mother’s Day and he was helping me with the smaller flower garden by removing all the weeds I’d tossed. (I love that smile . . . oh and gotta love the hat that allows his head to still breathe. :D )Miahael and Tiffany ~ Lifeofjoy.meAnd I really love that I can count on him to do something totally ridiculous to get me to laugh when I might be feeling a bit down (which thankfully, is not very often).My love ~ Lifeofjoy.me

You might wonder what all of this has to do with marriage. A man is the head of the wife and should be a good spiritual leader in that he has his own personal relationship with God and encourages her to do the same. He is the father of their children and should be present in their lives, and by extension, the lives of his grandchildren.

But more than all of that, he and his wife go through life together and are there for one another through good times and bad. It is very helpful if they can learn how to encourage one another.

My Wonderful Husband and I

I Love You ~ Lifeofjoy.meFinally, I just want to take a moment today and  let him know how much I love and respect him for all he does for our family!

I hope that you told your sweetie how much he means to you yesterday. If not, it’s never too late.

Until next time, God bless,

Michele ºÜº

 

 

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Build on Your Foundation

Be Better ~ Lifeofjoy.meIt is good when you and your spouse can share hobbies, activities, or experiences together. Too many times, as the years go by, marriage partners can drift apart. It takes effort to continue to age together.

Last year when I did the ninety day Bible reading challenge, I was the only one in the house doing it. Don’t get me wrong, Michael and the kids were all reading their Bibles too but had just not joined in on that challenge. I could really see that I grew from having done the challenge. However, this year, Michael is reading along too. He has not committed to doing it but he has been reading along (or some days, a little ahead) with the schedule I am following. It has been fun because we can groan together as we struggle reading through Job or share tidbits of information that stuck out to us as we read. Not that we couldn’t do it normally, but it is a shared experience. So we are not only growing spiritually but our marriage is being strengthened as well. :)

Michael and I generally like very different kinds of video games. When we got Zelda, he told the kids he was glad that I found a game I like. It had been a while since I found a video game that I enjoy. Well, he enjoyed watching the kids and I play it. Finally one day, he decided to give it a try. Now we have another shared experience/activity and I can tell our relationship is being strengthened by it.

For years, Tiffany and I would quip movie quotes. Since Michael had not paid attention to the chick-flicks we had watched, he did not get them. Of late, he has paid a bit more attention when we watch one, and now gets the references we make. He’s even joined in on the fun and makes references now and then as well. It has added a new dimension to our relationship and once again, we are strengthened because of it.

Just so you don’t think Michael’s been making all the effort, of late, I have been being more mindful when he tells me about his jobs, in an effort to relate better.  A good marriage takes effort on both parties, both serving and delighting in the other. You married this person for a reason; you must’ve enjoyed their company at some point. It is important to continue to find common ground and build on the foundation you have, creating a great life together.

Until next time, God bless,

Michele ºÜº

Get Closer to God

I’ve started a challenge to read the entire Bible chronologically in 90 days today. If you want to join, post a comment here and I can get you the information.


Bible ~ Lifeofjoy.meOne of the best things you can do for your marriage is get closer to God!

God is love. Thus, if you develop your relationship with Him, you will be more loving. When I am more loving, I am more forgiving too.

People tend to become like the ones they hang around. When we visit with my friends from the mountains of Virginia, it only takes about a day and Michael starts talking with the same accent. :) We also pick up phrases or gestures from the ones we are around a lot.

This can be a good and a bad thing. It is unlikely that we only pick up the good qualities of those we are around, so we have to work at recognizing negative qualities and work to not adopt those. ;) However, if we spent time with our heavenly Father, we should pick up some of His characteristics.

When I first read the Bible through Chronologically in a short time span, it brought the stories together like a jigsaw puzzle. It was so interesting to read the Psalm after the event that instigated its creation.

So many times when we read the Bible, we only read a small portion of it, understandably so, but reading it chronologically helps you see the whole picture so much better. I’m excited to do it again. I hope some of you will join me. :)

At any rate, nurturing your relationship with God is a big way to nurture your relationship with your spouse, or at least it should be. As we draw closer to God, we should be acting more like him and thus treating those around us even better than we did before.

Even if you cannot embark on a challenge of this size at this time, I encourage you to determine to deepen/strengthen your relationship with God and let it show in all your other relationships.

Until next time. God bless,

Michele ºÜº

 

Touch and Hugging

Touch and Hugs ~ Lifeofjoy.meRecently I read a couple of blog posts that stuck with me. Two of the posts were about touch. The one pointed out that when you were single/engaged, you and your sweetie touched a lot. You probably had a hard time keeping your hands off of each other. But as time passed, much of the touching seems to be just for intimacy, which really should not be. It makes some really good points about touch and gives an idea about using it to calm an argument. I encourage you to hop over and read it here.

The other post pointed out that with sight, it only happens through one organ, the same with hearing, and so on. But touch can be felt over your entire body. They shared a few thoughts that were interesting on touch.

Then I remembered an article that I read a long time ago about hugging and the scientific benefits of it. It is said that you need four hugs each day to survive, eight for maintenance, and twelve for growth. :) There is even more interesting information about hugs and hugging on Dr. Mercola’s website. (The link didn’t work last night so I put it into the wayback machine on archive.org and was able to view it.)

I know all this info on touch is right one because in the last year or so, Michael has started touching my shoulder or foot or such, as he passed by me to go into the other room. I have to say, it really made an impact on me and increased how close I feel to him.

That second website recommended a way to remember to touch your spouse more, with ten coins in your pocket.

I just want to encourage you today to make an effort to increase the tender touches to your love and see if it increases your bond together. :)

Until next time, God bless,

Michele ºÜº

More on Exptectations

This week’s post comes from a lovely gal that I met in our homeschool group years ago. She is a darling, lovely, sweet lady that loves God, her husband, and her family with all her heart. She recently shared a post on facebook about marriage and I asked her if she’d want to write something up to share here with you. It’s a little longer than I usually share but I thought it best to share it all at once rather than broken up into two posts.

I found it interesting that she dealt with expectations recently too. (You may remember I wrote about that last week. ;) )

Without further adieu, I give you Ana Osborn.

Until next time God bless,

Michele ºÜº


It is incredible to me how relationships are painted in stories.

Boy meets girl.

Girl loves boy.

Boy and girl overcome a hiccup.

They live happily ever after.

Now don’t get me wrong, the passion that they portray in the stories is ALL true…well at least in my case.  I felt every extra flutter of my heart and loved every tingle that traveled up my arm when I held his hand.  The problem with Hollywood is that they tell of the greatness of love when the romance is young and it is easy to be selfless.  Yet the story rarely unravels past the I dos.  In my opinion, that’s when the story truly gets good.

As a little girl, I dreamed of a love that Hollywood would be envious of.  Then I found it!  The man that God brought to me was nothing that I had envisioned for myself.  He was better!!! In fact, he was just what I needed.

Fast forward thirteen years and he is still all those things.  However, in thirteen years we have had ups and we have had downs.  The incredible thing is that people assume we have a fantastic marriage because we are two people perfectly paired.  A more untrue statement could not possibly be made.  Each marriage comes with its sets of challenges and each challenge is usually harder than the one before.

This past Sunday was Mother’s Day and my anniversary (Note how I said my…more on that later).  I love days that celebrate me.  Yes, that sounds so selfish, and it can be.  However, who doesn’t enjoy being celebrated and honored?  My husband has always been incredible at planning the perfect dates and making sure that each birthday, Valentine’s Day, Christmas, whatever, went perfectly.  Yes, guys, perfectly.  He checks restaurant reviews, and always finds unique gifts that sparkle that I always adore.  This year has been different.  He has been working six to seven days a week and has not had time all year to really put any thought into special days.  All year I was disappointed when special days came and went and nothing.

Imagine my expectation for last Sunday.  Two major days in one, surely, he had something planned!  Something, anything . . .

But nope, nothing.  We went to church and came home.  I kept thinking “oh he is just waiting for the right moment . . . any minute now he will go get something out of the bedroom or his car.”  Guys, it never happened.  Monday came and I was downright depressed.  I cried and cried and my usual bubbly phone call mid-morning to my husband was never made.  I sulked and brooded like a two-year-old . . . actually I think I out did them too.

As per the norm these days, due to a large project at work, he got home late.  I could see that he was exhausted from a long day of physical labor.  He was covered in mud and sweat.  As he removed his boots on the chaise in our room the Lord spoke to me loudly, “It was his day too!”  Instantly I felt a pang of shame, not because of the truth spoken but that it didn’t even occur to me that it was his day too.  Then I heard, “Every day you sought to be celebrated he was working.  He would rather have spent that time celebrating you!”  That was the moment I broke.  I walked over to him and helped him remove his socks.  For the rest of the evening my heart just poured out service on “the flesh of my flesh!”  Ephesians 5 came to life to me in that moment, “For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it,” I had become so obsessed with what I wanted and what I needed that I totally overlooked the needs of the one that completed me.  Now please hear me, I am not saying that I didn’t have a justified complaint . . . maybe I did.  However, in that moment I realized that my complaint did not, and does not, and never will supersede the mandate that God sets out before me as to what is love.

I had made the colossal mistake of buying into the lie that love needs to do FOR me.  I had crossed from love into entitlement.  My heart was not concerned with service but selfishness.  To my everlasting shame, I never once thought of how I could celebrate him.  As tears flowed from my eyes, and an apology to him from me came, I was surprised at how my heart shifted.  My heart was filled with gratitude and love and emptied of anger and disappointment.  Once I began to step away from me me me and I I I, I was able to shake off the depression and sadness.

God calls us to serve in every area of our lives but especially in our marriages.  When we serve our spouses we are also serving ourselves.   That should not be our motivation, but it is the truth.  I wish I could say that I know how it all works but I don’t.  In fact, Paul called the marriage union a great mystery (Eph 5:32).  However, the Word is clear that our spouses body is our body; and ours is theirs.  We are one and how we treat each other directly affects us.  In my opinion, that is why so many marriages end.  People assume that once they are free from that particular marriage their problems will cease.  Rarely is that the case.  All that really happens is the exchange of one set of problems for another.  Your spouse is designed by God to become part of your DNA.  When that DNA is disrupted death ensues in the heart, mind, body, and soul.

When it gets hard and it seems as if it would be easier to quit, remind yourself that it’s not.  The devil would have us believe that love is primarily self-serving.  God would have us believe, by his example, that love is selfless. In 1 Corinthians 13 the Lord expresses his definition of love.  I love how it begin . . . ”love suffers long.”  We are called to suffer with him when we love.  He tells us that love “does NOT behave itself unseemly.”  Love also does not keep a record of wrongs.

In every facet that I could have abused love and what it meant, I had.  I had abused the love given me by my husband and defiled  it with selfishness, entitlement, and wrath.  The good of all this came in the revelation of my wrongs and the heart change that followed.

So why write this?  Well so that I can hopefully encourage someone else to a different response than I had.  I challenge you today; that if something in your marriage is not going your way, then intentionally be moved by grace.  If you are hurt, be moved by peace.  If you are lonely, be filled with the love the Holy Spirit brings.  This action will shift the atmosphere.  I promise, it’s better to show grace and love and patience than to concede to despair.  Watch that change your heart…”love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things,  LOVE NEVER FAILS.”

All for His Glory,
Ana Osborn

Expectations

Expectations ~ Lifeofjoy.meSometimes I have an expectation of how something will go or how something will be celebrated. I’ve learned this before but it bears repeating; unfortunately I’m repeating it AFTER Mother’s Day instead of before, when it would have been more helpful but maybe it will help you before your next celebration.

Unless you tell someone your expectations, you need to have low or even NO expectations about how a celebration will go. If I have hopes about how my celebration will be carried out, it is seldom realized. However if I have no ideas for how a day should be celebrated (like Mother’s Day, a birthday, an anniversary, and such) then no matter what we do, I’m good.

If doing particular things are important to me, then I need to tell the person that I desire it from, otherwise it is unfair to them and to myself. It sets myself up for sadness or even depression. It reminds me of what Lori Byerly of The Generous Wife said she had to learn: ask for what she needs.

Don’t drop hints. Don’t hope things will go a certain way without sharing your desires. Be realistic with your NEEDS.

I hope this will help you and will remind me in the future. :)

Until next time, God bless

Michele ºÜº

House Cleaning

House Cleaning ~ Lifeofjoy.meWhen Michael and I first got married, we both worked. We actually rode to work together. Well, wait . . . he drove me to work, about thirty minutes from where we lived and then drove to wherever he was working, usually within fifteen minutes from me. He’s a painter and as such, doesn’t go to the same place all the time.

Anyway, the point is that we left the house at the same time each day and arrived back at the exact same time each day–neither one was home any longer than the other. When we got home, neither of us felt like doing anything. It didn’t take very long and I realized that I like food too much to make an issue of working more when I got home–the desire for a good dinner outweighed my tiredness. So I told Michael that I’d go ahead and cook dinner when we got home but after that, if he was sitting doing nothing, so was I. (This included cleaning up after eating.) He seemed to be okay with that.

We were a mess that first year! I quickly learned to buy paper plates because they could be thrown away and not have a moldy mess on our hands. Paper plates saved our marriage! LOL

Soon thereafter, we paid my baby sister to come clean for us once a week. Oh my! She really earned the pittance we paid her. She vacuumed, did dishes, and laundry. I think she may have even mowed the yard! I have no idea how long that lasted, hmmm, maybe she does. She was a huge help!

My other sister got married the same day I did (double wedding) and remember sitting at the laundromat, right up the street from where Michael and I lived, with her one time as we waited on the clothes to wash. We talked about how difficult it was to work and come home and work some more. The difference was she and her husband did not have the same work arrangement Michael and I did but there was also another big difference, I was not afraid to have an argument with Michael about something just to keep the peace whereas she said they never argued.

See I would not trade those early arguments for peace because we used them to work through situations not just argue. I’m sure there was a better way to work through them but neither of us had the self-control we do now. But each ‘fight’ was worked through and we were at peace. Whereas my sister and her husband did not fight but were definitely not at peace. I counseled her that day to stick up for herself, talk to him, and let him know how she felt. Of course I did not advocate yelling and screaming because even I knew back then that wasn’t the best way to deal with differences.

Somewhere  along the way, we settled into a rhythm and things were good. After a few years, I got pregnant and after delivering our precious Brian, I stayed home with him. So then keeping house became my job; one I did not excel at–hmmm, still don’t but I get by, but I digress.

As time passed and we had more children and they grew and I home educated them, keeping the house picked up was difficult and a sore subject with Michael. My argument at that point was that we actually lived in our house 24/7 and all that living is messy. Thankfully I found Flylady and learned how to stay on top of the cleaning, finally learning a method instead of something being so dirty I couldn’t take it any more.

We began a daily pick-up time when we knew Michael was on his way home, so that he was not greeted with a huge mess when he walked into the house. We also began a ‘home blessing’ day where we split the chores (the kids and I) and had the house vacuumed, swept, mopped, dusted. windows and mirrors cleaned, and bathrooms cleaned in less than an hour.

It was smooth sailing for a number of years. As the kids grew and started working outside the home, those of us left, absorbed their duties. It’s a bit harder today for me to stay on top of all that cleaning. I have a set of chores I do daily (one load of laundry completely done to putting it in the appropriate room, emptying the dishwasher and refilling it, making meals, and vacuuming–well most days) but am floundering a bit to find the right method for getting those other things done consistently now that it is just me, with some help from Tiffany who works at home. But I will come upon a solution/method, I have no doubt.

Oh, when animals came into the picture, it was at the children’s request and thus their responsibility. To this day, Tiffany and Sean tend to the needs of the animals. I do buy the required items for their care but that is it.

I guess all this is to say that there is a method whereby you can handle all the chores that need to be done without stressing and arguing. Michael has grown much in our nearly thirty years together and still pitches in when he sees something that needs to be done be it a load of his work clothes that he ran out of or mopping the bathroom floor. I too have grown and have learned that just because he sees some task that needs doing and does it that is not an indictment or accusation of me, which I tend to feel since it is technically my ‘job’ to do.

Are we perfect? Heavens no!!! I just had a breakdown last week because of some stuff that needed doing and couldn’t do it alone. But . . . we get over it and do what needs to be done.

This has gotten long but I hope it has been helpful. If you are struggling with getting it all done, pray and ask God to help you find the method/system that will work for you. Check Flylady–she’s helped thousands tame the messy house beast.

Until next time, God bless,

Michele ºÜº

Respect: Ask Questions

Ask Questions ~ Lifeofjoy.meI am so challenged with what is and is not respect. I always thought I understood what respect was from being taught to respect my elders. But is seems incredibly different when you are talking about respecting your best friend, your husband. Suddenly I didn’t know what respect even was. Well, I guess the truth of the matter is that it is far easier to show ‘respect’ to someone with whom you have little interaction by merely shutting your mouth. This becomes much harder when applied to your spouse because you don’t exactly get a situation worked out if you shut you mouth and don’t talk about it.

I guess it boils down to how you talk which takes a lot of discipline. I have a hard time with my mouth. Well, not exactly my mouth per se but my tone. I’m passionate, which means I have a tendency to get loud. Unfortunately Michael translates this as disrespect. Yes, it has taken over twenty years for me to learn this and another ten to figure out how to communicate without being quite so passionate about it.

The funny thing about respect is that it is individual. This means that respect to one person will not necessarily be respectful to another. Thus it is important to know your mate. If you don’t know, ask questions. I’ve learned though that I have to watch my tone when I ask questions too because I can come across as disrespectful all depending on my tone.

I recently read an article by Nina over on Respect Dare that reminded me that what is respect to one is not necessarily respect to others. It’s a good article, as is the follow-up article here.

Bottom line for me is that I should not be afraid to ask my husband if something is respectful to him, as long as I do so in a proper tone.

Until next time, God bless,

Michele ºÜº

 

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How to Treat a Husband

Niceties ~ Lifeofjoy.meI have an unmarried friend that was relating a conversation she had with another lady friend of hers. She said she was talking to her about the fact that she wouldn’t even know how to treat a husband. Her friend told her that she would treat him the same way she was treating her as a guest in her home. I thought this was excellent advice.

Too many times we get caught up in the mundane tasks of life and forget this simple nicety. Not that our husbands should be sitting around waiting to be treated like company but it’s about being willing to treat him that way. Of course, he should be treating you that way as well. It really is about considering your spouse.

Is it easy? No! Life happens and you get busy and forget to ‘go out of your way’ to be nice to your honey. In fact, you probably are a bit short with him because things are hectic. If we attempt to remember to treat him like important company, we won’t be short with him. Maybe I should give myself a reminder on my phone, “Company is Coming.” ;)

This can actually show itself in many ways, not just in offering to get things or do things for him but in ensuring the house is clean and he has everything he likes/needs. Cooking foods he likes and having snacks available that are his favorites. Actually, thinking in this manner, gives you a whole new perspective.

Now I will admit, that when you are younger and have young children, this is a bit more difficult to do because the demands on you are very, very big. If nothing else, do just one little thing a day. Then after a while, that one will be almost automatic and you can add another. ;) See how many little niceties you can get up to in a day. :) That is my plan. I’m going to see how  many things I can do for Michael in a day, without feeling overwhelmed. Just taking it day by day, week by week, and adding one after one becomes automatic.

I hope you have a good week.

Until next time, God bless,

Michele ºÜº