It is amazing to me how something as simple as leaving the recliner and my laptop and going and sitting on the sofa with Mike at 9pm in the evening can make such a difference in how Mike and I relate to one another. It makes him feel loved and important in my life. OH! How I wish someone had given me these tips when I was younger . . . Huh! I wish someone had given me these tips a year ago, because by now, our marriage would be so much stronger and healthier and happier.

I was astonished to find out that he felt that there was little place in my life for him because I had volunteer work I do; I sang on the worship team, which required a night out each week and early departure for church on Sundays, I have support groups I run online, I have a newsletter that I did, I had the kids to tend to, the house to clean, food to make, and I needed to relax too . . . He felt lost in the cracks and I couldn’t understand this before, they are his kids too, his house and food too . . . It isn’t like I ignored him or his “needs”. I thought I was doing good; I go to bed when he does, get up around the time he does, I make him a hot breakfast before he leaves and pack him a lunch each day, have his clothes washed, try to have things ‘picked up’ when he gets home in the evening, and have dinner ready shortly after he gets home. I don’t spend time in another room in the house in the evenings, we are all in the living room together; we may all be doing something different but we are together and do share what we are doing with each other.

I thought I was sacrificing and doing good . . . But he saw clutter and that one pair of pants that he wanted to wear tomorrow were dirty, and would’ve liked to have had dessert or something different for dinner. He saw me on the computer, neglecting him. Much like I imagine God feels, he just wanted me to pay some attention to him. It is sad that it has taken me this long to get it, but thankfully, I finally did! Now, I hope to help you!
Around the time I got this realization, we were able to spend the weekend together and have a chance to just talk. You see, God had been preparing me. I picked up a book from Mardel’s (a local Christian bookstore) entitled Before the Last Resort: 3 Simple Questions to Rescue Your Marriage, by George Kenworthy. I cannot recommend this book highly enough! The author pastored a church in Minneapolis where he saw God heal about 90% of the marriages of all the couples they counseled. Did you see that? 90%!!! These weren’t just slightly troubled marriages, some of these were severely troubled, like one couple ready to file divorce because one partner was living with another man having an adulterous affair. The stories he shares are astounding, and do precisely what he shares them for, GIVES HOPE !

One of the first things that struck me was the 3 simple questions he asks, questions EVERY Christian should be willing to answer yes to and very easy to do. Then he suggests a “Communication Date” which is very simple as well but I have to tell you, it shook me.
On this ‘date’ you tell your spouse how you felt their love for you this week. Wow! Stop and think about that a minute – Have you shown your love to your spouse in a way that he will recognize??? Or that will make an impression with him??? It was out of this thought that the “sofa time” with my husband has emerged. What will you do this week to ensure that your husband feels your love for him?

At any rate, back to my story, Mike and I were able to just talk, not confront, argue, gripe, or nag about anything. It had been a very busy two weeks of volunteer work and I was afraid to ask him “how he felt my love for him” recently, as was suggested in the book, because I wasn’t sure he was going to be able to pinpoint anything in all our busyness but thankfully he did. It was a good weekend and we were able to connect with each other and then fellowship with several couples around our age from the church we were attending at the time. It was a truly enjoyable weekend.

Finally, in an effort to keep this a G-rated article, I will merely say that I have put effort into “spicing up” our time alone. No one likes to be caught in a rut or feel that they are the initiator all the time. Surprise your man! Do something you haven’t done before! Bring a  smile to his face. Let him know that you still desire him too.

Until next time, God bless,

Michele ºÜº

Last week I talked about making time for you and your spouse. I know that no matter what age your children are that there are obstacles to spending time alone together but I’m here to help. God has sent me to some wonderful sources of ideas and encouragement that I will share with you in the weeks to come. Some of the  ideas can be done with the entire family and just  continued with  you and your hubby in the privacy of your room after the kids have gone to bed. Some of the ideas on the sites I will share, are just plain FUN and can be done just as a fun time for the family. If you choose to do an activity as a family, be sure to snuggle up to  your honey and shower him with attention as you all enjoy the activities together.

Here are three obstacles or excuses for not spending time alone with your spouse and ways to jump over them.

#1:    I have a baby that wakes me up in the middle of the night and so I’m tired.

If this is the case, then there must be a time that the child sleeps during the day, so take a nap at the same time. If you are rested, things will go much better for you.

Even if you home educate your children and you have pre-schoolers, elementary, and/or secondary aged children at home, this will work for you too! Just make each child go to their bed, on which they can have some quiet time. I allowed my children to read, write, draw, color, or do nothing during quiet time, but they had to stay on their bed and could NOT talk (this kept them from disturbing me or the baby and kept them from fighting). {The reason they had to stay on their own bed was because the boys shared a room and I didn’t want them fighting over toys or making ANY noise at all. If your children don’t have their own bed, you could set up quiet spots for certain ones, on a sofa or recliner, on the floor on a blanket under the kitchen table and rotate places if this is a source of squabbles, that way everyone will have their turn in the ‘fun’ spot.}

#2    I have children that don’t have a nap time any more and stay up about as late as I do.

You have several options for alone time with hubby. There is nothing wrong with having your kids go to their room earlier, one night a week. Just explain to them that Mom and Dad need to have some time alone together––explain that God wants you and daddy to stay best friends and the best way to do that is to have time alone together in the evening, once a week.

You could make this a special time for the children. Maybe you could make it dessert night, served right after dinner so that they come down off the sweet rush before bed. Make it a night they get to watch a special show in their room, laying on the floor on sleeping bags with the lights out and eating popcorn. Maybe it is a night that they can play with certain toys in their bed or read a book longer than usual in bed. If you need more ideas, contact me with your special circumstances and I’m sure God will give us an answer, tailor made for your situation.

You could have one night be “go to bed early night” and one night be “stay up late night”. My kids looked forward to Friday night, after they got older, because I’d let them stay up until 3:00 am if they wanted but Mike and I would not stay up late ourselves. The key here is that they had to get up by 9:00 am on Saturday and weren’t allowed to take a nap unless we were all doing so. In other words, they couldn’t sacrifice their time with the family because they had chosen to stay up late the night before.

#3    I have older children/teens; this is can be an awkward time.

We generally go to bed at 10pm each night, or at least start in that direction; so at times, at 9pm I go and sit on the sofa, where Mike joins me. There he puts his arm around me or I scratch his back or rub his shoulders, as we watch a show on television together with the kids. By doing this, Mike and I are giving each other our attention and still spending time with the kids and not requiring them to make any changes.

Because my kids are old enough to stay home alone, we now have the ability to go out alone with no babysitter required. Yours may not be old enough for you to spend an extended time away from home with them unsupervised but maybe they can be alone for 30 minutes or so, which is long enough for you two to take a short walk together and have a little time to talk – not gripe – to each other. Sit out on the patio with some lemonade or sweet tea or some other special drink for the two of you, as you spend a short time alone together. Take a blanket out in the back yard and lay down and watch the stars together for a little bit.

As I said before, it is VITAL that you spend time with your honey; give him SPECIAL
attention! Let him know that HE is the most important thing in your life, besides God! I know those children NEED you. I know you get run down and burnt out and just plain tired but your spouse NEEDS you too. Think about this for a minute; think about your intimate times with your hubby. Recollect  how you felt about those times when you were first married. Now, try to recreate that  feeling and attention you had back then.I won’t say any more about that here but know that if you need someone to talk to, God has helped me and I’d be glad to share with you confidentially.

If none of this seems like it will work for you, Pray! Ask God! He has the answer for you because His desire is for you to be in correct relationship with your husband.